Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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