wrigley field is MILF paradise
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
