He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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