You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
