I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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