The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
