dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I need to calm my uterus...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
