party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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