i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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