actually, I'm a sock model
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
