Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
