Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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