I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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