It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
