from now on my penis is your penis
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
