On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
