Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
