all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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