it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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