I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
