Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
