Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
