i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
