I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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