bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
