So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
