oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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