Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We're too hungover to prance.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
