after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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