forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
