i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
