I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
