I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
