I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
