Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
