im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Semen is not good for contacts.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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