They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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