What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Randomize
