you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
