I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
