This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
