On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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