Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
