I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
