I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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