Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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