I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
