I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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