life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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