i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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