Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
